Why do I keep attracting the same type of incapable partner?
“What do you fear most in a relationship?”
The reporter looked at me half amused and half confused, his frown like a question mark.
“Nothing,” I repeated. “NOTHING is what I fear the most.”
When NOTHING remains.
I don’t feel afraid when I argue with my partner, but I always fear the aftermath of deep silence and nothingness that might follow. If we’re still speaking, negotiating, rebuilding bridges, that’s all good, but if not, there’s trouble ahead.
I know from experience that if there’s only numbness and nothingness, that means she’s shifted inside, to a place without caring and concern; no love, no anger. If your partner enters this place too then it means a line has been crossed, beyond which she stops:
– seeking your attention.
– fighting for you,
– responding to your messages,
– trying to induce or sustain a conversation,
– being jealous,
– flirting with others, just to make you jealous
– looking at your mobile phone
– wondering whether you care about her.
– striving for you to love her.
She stops doing all of these things because she has realised that she deserves someone better, and from then on, she is lost to you. You start missing her even though she’s still physically there; you miss her care, her concern, her love.
Because it was all part of your life (that you perhaps neither realised nor appreciated until now) you will always feel that something is different, that something is suddenly gone, like a dandelion after flowering, taken by the wind, never to return.
This is the essence of NOTHING, the silence that follows the click of the door locking behind you for the last time, the lack of calls, texts, the uncoupling of mutual friends, all of it. It’s a wall of silence built from unconcern, disregard; it’s as if you don’t exist anymore. This must be what disembodied spirits feel like, sliding around in silence, only able to listen and watch as other people’s lives continue.
What no man wants
Love has a terrible opposite pole. It’s not hate, because hate implies concern and that you’re worth at least a thought, even though it may be a bad one. No, the opposite of love is far worse – apathy.
Apathy is blindness, and the apathy of a former lover reduces you to no more than scenery in her eyes. It’s not like when someone close to you dies, it’s worse than that. This person is not dead, but you are certainly dead to them.
What no woman wants
When they lose a woman, men like to say that women don’t know what they want, but in truth, the confusion lies with us, not them. They know precisely what they want – someone who will be afraid to lose them.
They want someone who understands that love itself should never hurt. What hurts in love are the lying, cheating, humiliation, and maltreatment. Women do not want to be one half of a dysfunctional whole. They don’t want to raise our children under a toxic roof. A woman who likes herself even a little bit will not willingly stay around to be damaged.
When you lose someone, as I have many times, think not only about WHO you lost but WHY you lost them. It’s the BECAUSE that you will have to learn to live with.
Rochefoucauld rightly said: “Somehow we can always get over what other people do to us, but it’s worse for things that we do to ourselves.” Paradoxically, a woman’s NOTHING doesn’t come from a woman, but from us, we men.
I wrote a book 250 Laws of Love, which became a four-time best seller, but here are the five which will tell you the most about this. Read them, consider them, and decide whether your life has NOTHING or EVERYTHING.
What are these key realisations?