I will never hurt you again, he said. Then he hurt me again. Why do we trust Mr. Hurdy-Gurdy

What´s wrong with you? Let´s talk. Don´t do it for me. Let´s do it for you.
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I am sorry, I will never do it again. The sentence that forced her to believe him and take him back.

I have really learnt my lesson now. He said that as he hugged her. I called him the ‘Spinning Wheel’. He cheated on his partner, belittled her and attacked her. She ended up in the emergency room because of him. People around them believed that this must be the end – her patience must have been stretched too far this time. She was also convinced but…

I am sorry, I will never do it again. He said it again – and he had her back.

This is called a revolver relationship. Each time you take ‘Spinning Wheel’ back, it is like loading the revolver and handing it back to him since he missed last time. You give him as many chances as he wants to take advantage of your belief that this time he has really learnt his lesson, and this was the last time.

It wasn’t.

She tried to hard so that he wouldn’t cheat on her next time, would not humiliate and attack her. Then she returned home from a night shift and found him completely drunk, with another woman… Initially, she slammed doors but later she even tidied up after them. To start with, he dived into self-reflection, but later offended her even more and threatened her with a beating in front of another lover.

She tried to run away from it all but wherever she went, she was always taken in by his “I am sorry, I will never do it again”.

Why I understand this

He took away all her dignity and gave her only one desire – to change him. People had given up on her because the case was “so clear” and “everybody could see” that she needed to leave him.

Nobody understood her. We cannot use reason to understand a person guided by their heart. Only another heart can understand. And I did.

The longer she stayed in this pathological relationship, the more she lost herself. And the more she lost herself, the more she tried to find where she had become lost – with him. “I have no strength left. I am on antidepressants, I go to counselling but it’s no good. Everything helps for ashort time but then all my problems come back, and I feel even worse. I realise how I messed my life up, lost all my friends; how I was strong and balanced and now I am not. I cannot go back to that past because I cannot get him out of my head.”

When someone doesn’t love you enough, this does not have to be your fault – this is a thought that brings you down. You look for a mistake you cannot find and you lose your entire life through this endless search.

When someone doesn’t love you enough, this does not have to be your fault – this is a thought that brings you down. You look for a mistake you cannot find and you lose your entire life through this endless search.Out of about six thousand readers waiting for a face-to-face meeting with me, she was one of those I used to meet every other day. For the last three months, she was reading The 100 Shortest Ways to You, and I explained one chapter in detail at every meeting.

I explained to her why she cannot tear herself away from him, why she still trusts him, why she is exhausted, and mainly why it is fine.

Our last meeting took place one week ago. She sent me a text message, apologising for being unable to make our usual appointment… because she had a date. Not with Mr. Hurdy-Gurdy, he had been erased from history already. But with a man, who made her understand why all of that ought to have happened – otherwise she would have missed him; otherwise she would not have respected him; otherwise she would not have understood what makes the right partner.

She thought that she had “ruined her life”, that she would “never be strong and balanced”, or even worse, that she was “destined for bad relationships”. Yes, all of those were assumptions and she only needed to understand: 1) why she had them in her mind, 2) why they were false.

And, above all, she needed to realise what a relationship she had got stuck in. And why it is no shame to get stuck in it for some time, but not remain in it permanently…

Why is the relationship with Mr. Hurdy-Gurdy so crazy and why do people still remain in it?

How can we escape before we lose all self-value?

Please, continue to the 2nd page