You stand opposite your partner and shout: “You’re bad! You’re stupid! You’re unnecessary!”
Something inside tells you: “I have to win!”
Excuse me, stop for a moment and tell me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Where have you put your heart? Where have you put your reason?
What are you trying to achieve?
How do you want to win, when you’re standing—against each other?
When Emotions Rule…
Late one summer evening I walked around the housing estate where I was born, but hadn’t been back to for at least twenty years. Through the windows of the prefab apartment buildings I could hear, in addition to television programmes, occasional arguments. Three, in particular, caught my attention.
From the first window I heard a sorrowful: “Tell me when you’re going to stop complaining about my cooking after a meal?”
From the second window came an accusing: “You’re stupider than I expected. I’m no longer surprised that before our wedding you spelled ‘love’ with a ‘u’.”
From the third window I heard an aggressive: “I’m p… off with you. I’m going to the bar. Where’re my keys?”
I call it “trench warfare”. Two partners shouting at each other from their trenches and throwing words at each other like grenades. I also heard the replies from the windows:
From the first window: “When will I stop complaining? When you stop cooking!”
From the second window: “Yeah, that’s because I liked making love before with ‘u’, but not anymore, you limp dick!”
From the third window: “What do you need keys for? When you get drunk, you can’t find the lock in the door anyway!”
I stopped and counted the seconds off on my fingers. One, two, three… Wow, I was relieved.
There was quiet at the first window. The silhouettes of the two shadows merged. Peace!
However, the decibels increased at the second window. That’s because both of them started to laugh at themselves uncontrollably. Peace!
A single sound was heard from the third window. Slam! It’s amazing the door didn’t fall off its hinges. After a moment the seething man ran into the street. War!
The first two couples understood what the point of a mouth is in a relationship. When we reach a point where we’re not able to communicate together productively, we should at least harmonise ourselves without words. A kiss (the first couple), which is the best method of (non)-communication in a relationship or using humour/laughter, which is the second best.
We should never use our mouths to escalate a war. And I’ll tell you why.
… How to Engage Your Reason
Let’s try to control our emotions before they control us. If we feel that our emotions are controlling us, let’s ask ourselves two questions:
- WHY am I hurting someone I love?
- WHY am I hurting myself by intentionally driving away a person I love?
If you’re not dim-witted, you’ll slow down. Put a dampener on your emotions. Get your reason back in play.
Because whenever we drive someone important away from us, we don’t win, we lose. If, in an emotional state, you act faster than you think, eventually you’ll realise what you’ve done by throwing grenades all over the place. And that it was the “best speech” of your life, which you now suddenly regret.
I’ll now take the time to explain two equations. Mathematicians, keep calm.
1 + 1 in a healthy relationship is not 2. One partner and one partner is still one. They don’t overlap, they supplement each other. An organism that is much stronger than the original individual comes into being. That’s why people look for relationships.
If you’ve read my book, you’ll know about ancient Chinese philosophy and the yin and yang symbols. Yin (light) is white with a black dot, yang (dark) is black with a white dot. At first glance, they don’t have anything to do with each other and there is nothing interesting about them. But when they join together, they create a perfect circle. Something wonderful. Nothing comes between dark and light. That’s how strong the connection is. One circle.
When two individuals in a couple work as two unconnected parts, there is no relationship. Such NON-partners will not understand the strength of a relationship. Because they don’t work on it—they don’t know that it could help them. That’s why they calmly hurt the other. They have nothing to lose. When the other leaves, they remain. They are always one. Because in their mathematics 1 + 1 = 2. So, 2 – 1 = 1.
But in a healthy relationship we have to count differently: If 1 + 1 = 1, then 1 – 1 = 0. And this is what all trench warriors should realise! If we really love our partner, and if we drive them out of a relationship, we won’t be in the same position as before the relationship started. We’ll be worse off. We’ll feel less than ourselves. Alone. Small. Nothing. Zero. Because 1 – 1 = 0. Remember: whenever you throw grenades at a person you love, you hurt yourself.
Don’t Let Your Ego Win
Maybe our partner has made us angry. Maybe they made a mistake – maybe we did. I’ll decide the case very simply: We’re all people, so we all make mistakes. Let’s learn to rise above them, to laugh at our imperfections. To cleanse the bottled-up emotions which sometimes control us. Our partner is the first in line—the person who feels the brunt of our mood swings. I know what I’m talking about… (One time, in anger, when I needed to vent my emotions and couldn’t find another excuse, I shouted at my partner: “Look at how impossible you are! You threw away a tomato that wasn’t that rotten.” Without saying a word, Jana took a plate, a handful of lettuce and placed the tomato from the bin, which really was rotten, in the middle. “OK, sorry. Enjoy your meal!” And nobody was angry. I had to laugh at myself.)
Whenever we throw grenades at a person we love, it’s not our love talking, but our ego. If we let our ego talk, it will be successful. This is because everybody has defects and the ego, if it wants to defeat another person, will always find the defects. ALWAYS.
None of us has a partner that is free from defects. The same way that none of us is free from defects.
Neither yin nor yang is a circle individually. They are only a circle TOGETHER.
Whenever emotions bubble up inside you, your blood starts to boil and you want to show who the boss is, please remember five simple facts. They could save your relationship.
Please, continue to the 2nd page