7 shades of loneliness and why they’re important

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1st tool: Awareness

Loneliness isn’t physical. Rather, it’s an emotive state. Above all, it’s important to understand whether we’re alone, or lonely.

Our need for solitude stems from the feeling that we don’t have enough time for ourselves. Perhaps we need clarification, to find ourselves, or to rest. Perhaps, on the other hand, we need to be more productive. Our need to escape loneliness stems from the feeling that we don’t want to feel alone.

Many lonely people think that their situation can be fixed by someone else. However, the same people often feel most lonely in a crowd, and especially when others are showing one another affection. These lonely people assume that they’re missing love. However, when they’re surrounded by love, they feel even more unhappy. The first friend they need will be found within themselves. It’s their own mindset.

2nd tool: Care

In order to escape the clutches of loneliness, we must first understand ourselves, and our own situations. We need to understand how our situation happened, and why it’s good for us (more in the book). In the second stage, once we accept ourselves and understand the power of solitude, we must realise that this power can be beneficial for those around us. It allows us to raise children, learn, and care for animals. Essentially, it allows us to help others, and stops us feeling as though we’re alone with our problems.

3rd tool: Balance

Many lonely people panic. They think that time is running out, that they’ll never find anyone, and that they’ll always be alone. They start to jump into relationships regardless of who they’re with. Typically, this doesn’t help their situation. Quite the opposite. By doing so, they’ll only find themselves lonely by someone else’s side.

I re-iterate: Loneliness isn’t a physical state. It’s a feeling. A feeling that can shift the balance between intimate bonds and social relationships. Having sexual partners isn’t enough, as this will only heighten the sense of loneliness. The same is true of half-hearted relationships, where people spend time with one another, but share no intimate bond – they don’t confide in one another, they don’t share anything, and don’t offer support. This, too, can cause loneliness in a relationship.

To discover more about finding and developing balanced relationships, even using dating sites, take look at my book.

4th tool: Hormones

Though some romantic souls may disagree, the human body is a biochemical machine. We don’t need drugs, because we’re pumped full of our own narcotics. We produce them naturally – while we sleep, by doing sport, and through humour. Lonely feelings aren’t only representative of our circumstances, but also our lack of emotional immunity, caused by fatigue, diet, and lifestyle. Sleep deprivation, alone, affects our stress hormones, need for fast sugars, moodiness, irritability, and hypersensitivity.

5th tool: Openness

Let’s be open with ourselves and others. And not just in factual terms, but also symbolically.

Being open to ourselves means asking ourselves “What do I actually want?” “Do I miss someone else, or am I missing myself?” “Do I know how to cope with my isolation, or do I expect someone else to bring out the things I lack when I’m alone?” The more clearly we define it, the easier it’ll be to find it.

Being open to others means taking steps to build new relationships. It means being unafraid of making plans, signing up for courses, or talking to people. It means facing our own envy, hatred, feelings of guilt, and all the negativity that makes our mood worse.

There are many tools we can use, and these are just some of them. There’s at least one tool out there for each of us. So, most importantly of all, we shouldn’t be scared off by negativity. You can even look to introduce the “seventh shade” into your life.

© Petr Casanova