Why Do I Hurt Myself When I Don’t Want To? Five Steps For Getting Rid of Your Parents’ Behavioural Pattern

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Step one: let’s learn from our shadows.

We know WHAT is bothering us. We feel IT. We focus on IT in our ideas. Our problem is never hard to define.

What, however, is hard for people in negative situations, is to see a solution. Not because it doesn’t exist, but because they aren’t looking for it; and if they are looking, they’re afraid of finding it; and if they find it, they’re afraid of implementing it.

Not because it is that difficult, but because they’re negative. You can’t take positive steps in a negative state of mind. You can’t have positive results when you have negative thoughts.

The theory that is the basis of help is called ’turn the opposite light on’. If we are looking at our shadow, it’s enough to turn the light round—to look towards the light; then our shadow falls behind us.

“What if it doesn’t work out?” thinks a negative person. “What if I’m doing everything in life wrong?”

The negative ideas, from which a positive sentence can never be built, are written in bold. Without a positive sentence you’ll never have positive feelings.

Negative words lead to further negation because a negative person never finds a positive answer to negative questions. A negative question only deepens their scepticism and fear. Like when they’re standing in front of a bush worrying that there’s a lion behind it.

It could be there. Equally, it might not be there at all. The person waits, paralysed, until a lion appears. Then they find out they were right.

Words create feelings. So, let’s progressively get rid of negative words. Instead of “what if I’m doing everything wrong?” let’s ask “what if I’m at least doing something right?”

Thinking that we’ll leave bad behaviour or a bad relationship isn’t a bad thing. It’s a step in the right direction.

If a person that has been destroying us leaves, that’s not a bad thing. It’s a step in the right direction.

If a space opens up by our side that was previously filled by a bad person, that’s not a bad thing. It’s a step in the right direction.

It’s a different view of the same events and circumstances. It’s a view from the side of gains, not losses. We can take this first step the moment we admit that losing a partner that took our time means we gain the time that we would otherwise waste with them.

It’s the first step towards experiencing the future without the person that took our past.

Wasted time? What is decisive is not what was, but what will be. It’s your life that’s happening, that you can’t lose.

Step two: let’s focus on the future.

A relationship is like a house. If it doesn’t suit us, we don’t use the old bricks to build a new one. It’s important to realise this. “I’ll be better, I’ll mend my ways,” promises an old brick. Can you see how comical this is?

A person is like a tree. They grow from their roots. If, despite all the care we give it, a tree doesn’t bear healthy fruit, what do we do? Usually, we plant another tree.

We spoke about children. They really enjoy building. Most of all, they build towers out of bricks. If the tower falls over, they don’t give up – they build again. Life teaches them that it’s important to build from the foundations.

A person gets the energy for a breakup and the faith to build new relationships from their roots. From their foundations. From their key life values. If they don’t have energy, they usually neglect their basic priorities.

When was the last time we were outside in the fresh air? When was the last time we did something to make ourselves happy? When was the last time we lost ourselves in our interests? When was the last time we planned something positive, full of energy and for the future?

Our values are like mortar. Every building that is constructed with our values stands up better. So let’s think about what’s at our roots. Is it travelling? It is a dog? Is it something that we would like to try, but we’ve never had the time or been in the mood? Have we just made excuses and put it off?

Let’s carefully dust off our foundations and start to build on them.

We’re going to use bricks that suit our foundations better. In other words: We’re going to start seeing people that are in harmony with our priorities.

What is the most difficult thing, which not everybody can do but is pleasant, charges you with energy, and is so desirable?

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