Why Do I Hurt Myself When I Don’t Want To? Five Steps For Getting Rid of Your Parents’ Behavioural Pattern

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Step three: let’s stop limiting ourselves.

The first and second steps are pleasant: Our heart will like them. The third step, however, could cause a snag. That’s because we run into our “nature”.

It’s as though we opened Pandora’s Box and all the NOs jumped out. Their parents continued with a non-functional relationship, which means their parents personally limited themselves. So how do you imagine it, Casanova: how do we stop limiting ourselves?

Let’s look into the light again, so that the shadows do not unnecessarily cloud our view.

Solitude. Oh, did I make you jump? Solitude has one huge benefit. You don’t have to look for compromises. You don’t have to limit yourself. The only limitations are inside you. Day by day, you can start to live the way you want—the way that suits you best.

If we find the courage to disconnect from a non-functional relationship, the first thing we’ll experience is emptiness. The strange feeling that something is missing. Yes, it’s missing. We have no limits. The unknown opens up. We should be afraid of it.

However, the unknown isn’t bad. What makes it bad is our mind. Our prejudices. Our natural fear of change.

Whenever we realise that nothing will be the way it was before, we’re often overwhelmed by regret and doubts. But if a limit falls, then it must mean that if nothing will be the way it was before, then it could be better.

Nature will help us. It’s based on change. And it enjoys happy endings.

Whenever a caterpillar pupates and has the feeling that it’s time has come, it transforms into a wonderful butterfly. It takes flight for the first time.

Whenever a tree is sealed inside a crust of ice it has the feeling that it will die. In reality the cover is protecting it.

And when the spring sun comes and takes the cover away, the alarmed tree thinks that it’s at its journey’s end. Then it grows buds – new life.

And when the colourful buds decide to change, the tree blooms wonderfully.

And when the leaves stop being green, they turn amazing colours.

And when this celebration at the end of the summer is complete, a crust of ice comes again.

Every change in nature is a move forwards. Every change makes sense. Every change, after the initial confusion, fills a person with peace, humility, and the germ of something that is called happiness.

A change charges us with energy. Change is life. And a life in which we don’t limit ourselves teaches us to delete one word from our head: never.

Yes, whenever we stop looking for compromises, we discover never-ending possibilities.

That’s an advantage solitude has. We just have to mature to appreciate it. The same way that, after a cold winter, trees need time to open.

If we return to our values, we will probably meet a person that has the same values. It’s not a coincidence. It’s a law. If we like Venice, we will most probably find a lover of Venice in Venice…

Step four: let’s allow ourselves to make new mistakes.

If you give up after the first mistake, you’ll have a very short life.

The magic of life is in the possibilities. We all have them, but we don’t all make use of them.

Hurt by past mistakes, we’re afraid of making new ones. Yet, by doing this we make the biggest mistake of our life. This is because wisdom is hidden in the non-repetition of old mistakes. That’s easy—we know, for example, what led to our old mistakes. We still remember how our last relationship hurt us, so we intend to never repeat it.

It’s just a matter of time before a person, happy from their recuperative, unlimited solitude where they can do what they want, crosses paths with a possible new partner. We recognise them.

It will be the same in some ways and different in some ways. The same in that it has similar foundations; different in that it has properties and abilities that we don’t have and that, to a certain extent, we lack. We find out that if we come together we will encompass more.

The curiosity as to whether it could work starts to outweigh the fear that it won’t work again. So let’s be positive. Charged by our values and our internal satisfaction.

Let’s be like a small child that thinks: And what if building the tower works out this time? After all, what am I risking—a mere attempt?

How do we arrange it so that the next attempt most probably works out? What is this arrangement at the start of a new relationship?

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