Why Do I Hurt Myself When I Don’t Want To? Five Steps For Getting Rid of Your Parents’ Behavioural Pattern

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Step five: Let’s set boundaries.

In my book The 250 Laws of Love I described the 250 boundaries that my partner and I set for our relationship. We had both had bad experiences. To give you a taste of my experiences: I was nine and I remember milk on the glass of the door behind which my parents were arguing. Then the glass broke, I saw my injured mum up close and couldn’t believe what she said to me: Pete, it’s fine; don’t worry and go to bed.

I didn’t listen to my mum. I didn’t regard it as something that was fine. I didn’t go to sleep peacefully. On the contrary, that night I didn’t sleep at all and I realised what I never want in a relationship. My partner also realised the same thing from many instances during her life. In the book that became a five-time bestseller, we described our joint principles and gave reasons for them. If either of us breaches any of them, the relationship will automatically end. This is because neither of us has time to lose—time that could be wasted with someone for whom one explanation is not enough.

I know myself that overcoming a behavioural pattern adopted from your parents is not easy. If my dad could do it, why wouldn’t I do it to my wife? All the more if my dad did it because his dad did it? The thing is, I’m not here to make sure that the chain of evil continues, but that it ends. Every remaining day of my life is worth a positive change.

And so is yours.

Each of us has the power to change our life. It’s simply up to us to make the change. Leaving a bad relationship isn’t easy – nevertheless, it’s worth it. And when we are finally in a healthy relationship, we’ll appreciate the whole path. The greater the obstacles the more breath-taking the feeling will be when, by the side of somebody who is right for us, we understand why it couldn’t have worked out with a previous somebody.

Please don’t forget: whenever we don’t get what we think we deserve, it’s not because we don’t deserve it. It’s so that we understand that we deserve much more. And so we go after it.

© Petr Casanova