“Whatever you do, you’re in the wrong” or “How to escape the manipulator’s noose”

You have to do it. Because you love him. And don’t say that you don’t.
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But you must be desperate! YOU are the one who’s always in the wrong, who’s guilty and who owes your partner something…

Or is that really the case?

So why is your partner always smiling, making fun of you, putting you down? Why is it you that feels bad, and not your partner? Which of the two of you is suffering more? Who is under the influence of the other?

  • Do you spend more of your life doing what your partner wants, and hardly anything that you want to do?
  • Do you keep feeling progressively worse, while becoming more dependent on your partner and the relationship itself?
  • As your partner accuses you of more and more things, do you feel an increasing need to apologise, justify or atone for the crime you are supposed to have committed?

“What kind of weird relationship are you in?“ …is the question being asked by your friends, and possibly even yourself.

Just ask one question: Did it ever occur to you that your partner might be manipulating you?

The more often you are together, the more you have the feeling that your breathing is worse, that an invisible noose is being drawn around your neck each day. You are longing for your partner to help you. You offer more and more, but sometimes you notice that your partner is deriving malicious enjoyment from the situation.

The one at fault

The most common cases I come across in my profession concern manipulation – including the worst type, manipulation from love.

To put it simply, manipulation is the act of coercing someone into feeling they are the one at fault, whatever they do. It is one of the nastiest but most effective ways of using love against the person who loves you.

The basic rule of a relationship is: Whoever loves you cannot hurt you The tactical approach of the manipulator is therefore a simple one:

  1. “If you love me, do what I want.“
  2. “If you don’t, you will hurt me.“
  3. “If you hurt me, you don’t love me.“

In psychology we encounter three types of manipulation. They are known as: Foot in the door, Spinning wheel and the Snowball Effect.

1. Foot in the door

The witches in the fairy tale already knew this one: “Smolíček, we only want to stick two fingers through the doorway, and then we’ll be on our way!“

In real life it works like this: manipulators starts off by asking for something small. As soon as they get it, they ask for something bigger. The demands keep on growing. At the same time they’ll make repeated appeals like: “Do you just love me a little, or so much you’ll even do this for me?“

Meeting their demands is always associated with proving love. A text-book example of manipulation.

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