The realisation you have to come to is also hard:
- Accept the fact that some people simply do not love you. They’re not eveninterested in you. They only want to stay in contact with you.
- What these people do love are the advantages they get from your obedience.
- To maintain this they only have to do the minimum – the occasional loving phone call, friendly text or kind word. The main thing is to maintain contact, even after a temporary break. They will check to see whether you’re thinking about them (in today’s world of social networks they can check your activity on Facebook, etc.). They need to maintain contact (the stretched rubber band) in order to pull you in, or let you out, as they wish. Why do they do it?
Many people think that this behaviour energises manipulators. But in fact the manipulators get much more – power over others. The victim of a successful manipulation accepts things that no reasonable person would accept and in the process may well sacrifice friends (whom the manipulator does not need), children, property and, mainly, himself/herself. The victim is prepared to give everything up for the “love” the manipulator constantly talks of – even sacrificing the option of leaving the manipulator.
Manipulators are not stupid. They are brilliant, cunning and deceitful. There is no more dangerous combination on earth than a terrible character with a great brain. That type of person has no boundaries – and will try to satisfy selfish ends regardless of whom is hurt.
Often the manipulator behaves like a person who needs help. But if we offer it and sacrifice everything, we will end up at fault.
How to escape the noose
How do we escape from a noose that is getting tighter and tighter? How do we realise that manipulation NEVER has anything in common with love, that it only exploits love? How do we come to believe in our own worth? How do we gain self-esteem, self-regard and self-confidence? How can we avoid giving a bad example to children who watch their manipulated and manipulating parents, who can then have a fatal impact on their own adult relationships with partners?
© Petr Casanova